Friday, January 28, 2011

Two and a half weeks

It is amazing how quickly I can build and envision a new life for myself. Two and a half weeks was long enough for me to have a solid plan for how my life was going to be until Emberly starts kindergarten in fall of 2012. Two and a half weeks is long enough to invest a whole lot of love and attachment to that plan. And one day is long enough to turn that upside down and poop on it.
My husband and I had just started discussing whether or not we felt Bauer completed our family. I could definitely have another, but if he was truly happy with two, then I felt I could be too. But he said he didn't know. And it became pretty clear that maybe in a year or so, we would really talk about having another. But good thing we were open to the idea because just a few days later, we were surprised with a big fat positive. Our third child due mid-September 2011. Being that this was at least a year earlier than anticipated, and our July baby still wakes up at night to nurse and is obviously still very much a baby, there was some initial shock to get through. But I pulled out my little budget spreadsheet, I realized that we wouldn't die (hey, it could've happened!), and let myself get excited. I mean, check out my kids, as I've mentioned, they're awesome.
Now, I've had two miscarriages before, so I have all these nonsensical superstitious feelings about what I'm allowed to do and say without jinxing the pregnancy. But that's so exhausting, and not fun. I forced myself to throw those out the window and be happy. Being pregnant again so soon with an infant and preschooler in tow would be stressful enough, without illogical nonsense weighing me down.
Biggest thing, buying something that is only useful with the existence of the new baby. I did that last weekend. I bought a book "Adventures in Tandem Nursing; Nursing through Pregnancy and Beyond," because I had a lot of questions about my nutrition and was very concerned about being able to continue to nurse Bauer, at least through his first year, possibly tandem nursing with the new baby.
Well, Tuesday, I get a call from my midwife, requesting that I go in and get my blood drawn that day, because results from Thursday's blood work showed a decline in my progesterone. My stomach sank. The same nauseating sensation I felt when someone else answered my little brother's phone the day he died. But, trying to be a more optimistic person, I went and had my blood drawn with thoughts of the progesterone rebounding. It did not. AND, my hcg levels had declined. Indicating that over the weekend, the baby had probably stopped growing. I'd jinxed it. I jinxed the pregnancy.
This is different from my previous two miscarriages in that my first indication that it was over with those was spotting and severe cramping. I still have the joy of waiting for that to happen, since it's early blood work that's shown me that it isn't going to progress. *does a sarcastic dance of anticipation*
I wasn't even going to tell anyone besides my best friends and family that I was pregnant before March. But, I felt like I needed to say something here. Now. People- women- don't talk about it enough. My reaction the last two times was to try to pretend I had never been pregnant. To not think about it and move on. But, that doesn't work. I was still sad and I just drowned out the noise of it by stuffing my face at my favorite restaurants and baking up delicious goodies. So, then I was 10 to 20lbs heavier (yes, I gained more weight when I miscarried than I had in my entire pregnancy with Bauer!), and even more sad.
So, this time I'm talking about it. It sucks. Balls. Really. I loved this baby and everything s/he would have been to our family. And that's gone.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Chez Emberly

A long long time ago, I bought Emberly an heirloom quality play kitchen. She thought it was cool when she got it, but then lost interest. Over the last 2yrs, she's slowly gotten more dishes and play food and she plays with it more and more. It's one of the pretend things I really enjoy doing with her.
Last night, she invited my sister, Bauer and I into her room to enjoy her restaurant. She showed us the specials on the wall. Tucked napkins into our collars (Bauer preferred that his serve as an appetizer). She took our orders on a state-of-the-art digital pad and convinced us to try the dessert special. My sister's food took an insanely long time, but that's pretty reflective of how they play lately. And halfway through, she excused herself to take the elevator up to her apartment above the restaurant and chastise her puppy, who was apparently making a mess up there while she was hard at work.
It was all so funny and cute. Kids. are. awesome.

Monday, January 24, 2011


I have SO many things racing in my head today. The coffee probably didn't help. Anyway, I'm itching to post but I can't think of any one thing to write about. So I found a free writing prompt site and picked one. It said to pick an old album and write about picture #14. I clicked "view all" on my photobucket account and found the 14th picture ever uploaded. Voila.
These are all high school friends of mine. We've met at this posh Mexican restaurant Zocalo in Sacramento's midtown, to spend time specifically with Nestor, the handsome Latin gentleman to my left (well, right in the photo), who was visiting from New York. I'm really happy at that point in my life. I had just met my now husband earlier that month. In fact, I drove back to Sacramento from Oakland just to see Nestor, and I believe I drove back to Oakland that night. Because infatuation gives you the patience to drive back and forth and back again. Aside from the BFF, I don't think I'd seen the other HS peeps in years at this point. And I actually haven't seen any of them since! I was insanely thin and deliciously tan, thanks to waking up to go the Elk Grove California Family Fitness at 4:30am daily and a nearly constant flow of runway work to keep me motivated. My life is so totally and completely different in less than a year from when I took this picture. And I really don't think I'd change any of it. I'm blessed!

Friday, January 21, 2011

Trend Zone

I finally got a new charger for my camera battery. Great. So here's my way overdue fashion friday post.
So I got a gift for Christmas that is not really my style, however, on trend for the season: fur vest. I wore it on New Year's Eve. I had my day look, and then my fancy, studded fur vest evening look. Observe. Of course ignoring the 3yo camera hog.

Thanks, Aunt Kolleen!

Saturday, January 15, 2011


Recently I noticed a Facebook post from a mama friend imploring mother's of girls to stop using the word 'bossy.' She thought that it was a gender thing and that girls are negatively described "bossy" while boys displaying the same behavior are positively described as "assertive." From that perspective, I completely agree. But, that has not been my perspective. When I was growing up, all kids, boys and girls, were referred to as bossy if they tried to control play (I, myself, was a bossy girl, surprise, surprise). I tell both little boys and little girls, "you aren't the boss of anybody, s/he can play how they want!"
And remember the Kelis song several years back, "Bossy?" Being a "bossy" girl that knows what she wants and isn't afraid to tell you has been trendy for a while!
So yes, I think that if you're using the word as a negative way to separate a girl's behavior from boy's, then you need to take a look at yourself and what lessons you want your children to learn. But if you're not doing that, well, use whatever words you want (correctly, that is. mm-hmm. I'm the boss of you!).

Thursday, January 13, 2011

How Have I Survived

Four years of marriage? Definitely not because we've been floating around with cupid's arrows in our necks. And not that four years is even that long, but I'll share some things that I've learned (or learning still, really).
Compromise and picking one's battles. We're not going to want the same things all the time, pure and simple.
Giving (or attempting to give) 100% all the time. Trying to keep things "even" doesn't make me happy.
Ask for what you want. I struggle with this one a lot still. There are things in life where if done because asked, just don't have the same meaning. But still better than nothing.
Have some beautiful kids. Fawning over them together brings us closer LOL
Like Asian food. Okay, so this might be specific to us, but still. My husband can eat Asian food all day, every day.
Here's to another year together!

Monday, January 10, 2011

Asian Persuasion

A girlfriend recently directed me to a really interesting article that took a humorous look at the differences between traditional Chinese parenting and typical Western parenting.
I let my kids watch tv. I'm not big on sleepovers, but my daughter has had them, with family. I would be thrilled if my kids were in a play or any performance really. My kids will probably participate in sports (hello, have you met my husband). I don't think learning is always supposed to be "fun," but I think it should be for little kids. I think playing and games present plenty of opportunity for learning. I also don't worry about my daughter's self esteem when we're working on something. I try to make sure my expectations are within her capabilities, so I don't think a little self disappointment is a bad thing. I don't think I'd call her garbage though LOL.
My approach is pretty far from a "Chinese Mom," but the article did remind me that I want my children to be family and academically oriented. Social stuff is peripheral, though this will probably be an area of compromise between my husband and me.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Entirely Attainable

I don't really wait for an arbitrary date to set goals, so New Year's time is typically just a time for reflection on how I'm doing on my current goals and things I think will happen in the year. But a girlfriend of mine had a pretty funny post about attainable goals. Totally going to copy.
1) Hug and kiss on my children until they push me away, daily.
2) Work. A few hours, a few days a week.
3) Try a new cookie/cake recipe once a month (did I mention the RADICAL kitchen-aid stand mixer I got for Christmas?? Don't be jealous, it's unbecoming).
4) Knit something. Or several somethings. My yarn stash runneth over.
5) Gain a pound (all over this one, see #3).
6) Make fun of my husband. Daily.
7) Laugh, also daily (see #6).

Monday, January 3, 2011


I have new year's eve pictures that I wanted to share for a Fashion Friday post. And a little video I took of it snowing earlier. Then my camera died. And I can't find the battery charger. I think I took it with me to Los Angeles at Christmas time. But I didn't use it, so I didn't leave it there. I cleared surfaces frenetically for our little NYE get-together. But it's not in the drawer where I shoved various other charges and cords. Can you even be a blogger with no camera?!?