It is amazing how quickly I can build and envision a new life for myself. Two and a half weeks was long enough for me to have a solid plan for how my life was going to be until Emberly starts kindergarten in fall of 2012. Two and a half weeks is long enough to invest a whole lot of love and attachment to that plan. And one day is long enough to turn that upside down and poop on it.
My husband and I had just started discussing whether or not we felt Bauer completed our family. I could definitely have another, but if he was truly happy with two, then I felt I could be too. But he said he didn't know. And it became pretty clear that maybe in a year or so, we would really talk about having another. But good thing we were open to the idea because just a few days later, we were surprised with a big fat positive. Our third child due mid-September 2011. Being that this was at least a year earlier than anticipated, and our July baby still wakes up at night to nurse and is obviously still very much a baby, there was some initial shock to get through. But I pulled out my little budget spreadsheet, I realized that we wouldn't die (hey, it could've happened!), and let myself get excited. I mean, check out my kids, as I've mentioned, they're awesome.
Now, I've had two miscarriages before, so I have all these nonsensical superstitious feelings about what I'm allowed to do and say without jinxing the pregnancy. But that's so exhausting, and not fun. I forced myself to throw those out the window and be happy. Being pregnant again so soon with an infant and preschooler in tow would be stressful enough, without illogical nonsense weighing me down.
Biggest thing, buying something that is only useful with the existence of the new baby. I did that last weekend. I bought a book "Adventures in Tandem Nursing; Nursing through Pregnancy and Beyond," because I had a lot of questions about my nutrition and was very concerned about being able to continue to nurse Bauer, at least through his first year, possibly tandem nursing with the new baby.
Well, Tuesday, I get a call from my midwife, requesting that I go in and get my blood drawn that day, because results from Thursday's blood work showed a decline in my progesterone. My stomach sank. The same nauseating sensation I felt when someone else answered my little brother's phone the day he died. But, trying to be a more optimistic person, I went and had my blood drawn with thoughts of the progesterone rebounding. It did not. AND, my hcg levels had declined. Indicating that over the weekend, the baby had probably stopped growing. I'd jinxed it. I jinxed the pregnancy.
This is different from my previous two miscarriages in that my first indication that it was over with those was spotting and severe cramping. I still have the joy of waiting for that to happen, since it's early blood work that's shown me that it isn't going to progress. *does a sarcastic dance of anticipation*
I wasn't even going to tell anyone besides my best friends and family that I was pregnant before March. But, I felt like I needed to say something here. Now. People- women- don't talk about it enough. My reaction the last two times was to try to pretend I had never been pregnant. To not think about it and move on. But, that doesn't work. I was still sad and I just drowned out the noise of it by stuffing my face at my favorite restaurants and baking up delicious goodies. So, then I was 10 to 20lbs heavier (yes, I gained more weight when I miscarried than I had in my entire pregnancy with Bauer!), and even more sad.
So, this time I'm talking about it. It sucks. Balls. Really. I loved this baby and everything s/he would have been to our family. And that's gone.